Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
This kid is going places
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle