Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.