girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?