Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
You Might Also Like
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
White Castle for the Win
Safety first
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”