@shutupmikeginn: Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, "what kind of therapy is he in?" because of course I said that
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@michaelianblack: Now that my kids are getting older, I'm worried I'll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
@simoncholland: Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
@mattingebretson: I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression