[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
You Might Also Like
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics