Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
This is me
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Jupiter
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Oh boy, $150,000!
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*