Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
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Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.