my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
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If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.