@CelebrityChez: Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.
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@murrman5: [wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house] "stop crying for a second...what do you mean you lost me?"
@InternetHippo: Me (bumping into someone): Oh no, I’m sorry. Sorry. So very sorry Talent scout for brand’s social media job: Young man, what’s your name
@beefman138: [At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe] Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
@caithuls: A lot of people don't know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too