Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
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“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
This is so me 😂😂
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Me too door. Me too.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.