Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
You Might Also Like
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
meanwhile over on facebook
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi