Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
me linking you to my twitter
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.