if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
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starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Not today. 😅
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
omg leave her alone
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships