I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Worth the read.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
this is the best interaction on twitter
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this