Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
You Might Also Like
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.