馃が賮賯胤 賮賷 賲氐乇 馃が
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date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you鈥檝e done to your body over the last 40 years.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He鈥檚 Saving For Last
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that鈥檚 all you need to know about before online times.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
馃槼
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
If you鈥檙e wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target鈥檚 still open, right?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don鈥檛 want to talk about it anymore
I鈥檓 eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Everyone鈥檚 gangster until they pull a push door.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that鈥檚 our neighbor鈥檚 new Smart Car
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: You haven鈥檛 fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it鈥檚 a joke Leonard. Calm down.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Thoughts
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”