No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
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when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight