Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
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[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢