GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
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A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.