Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
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[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf