Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
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During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.