It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I hope they boil the right one.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked