[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
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How it started How it’s going
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too