[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
You Might Also Like
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.