Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
you have three unread messages
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.