What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.