Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
What my back needs
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?