Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
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It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.