Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.