@BigBBanter: Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
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@NicestHippo: WIFE: He thinks he's a news anchor DOCTOR: Is this true ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]
@EricaWhoToYou: Dear Abby, I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?