@BigBBanter: Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
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@sofarrsogud: My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day. And something about listening.
@truegritrumble: ME: *plummeting to earth* I'VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
@fro_vo: Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions Me: *raises hand* Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions Me: *lowers hand*
@marinarachael: My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don't have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.