[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
nyc:
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave