[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 馃槈
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that鈥檚 what he said
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald鈥檚 and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I鈥檓 just high鈥攚ait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My problem isn鈥檛 that I lose all my chapsticks. It鈥檚 just that I don鈥檛 remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
It鈥檚 an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it鈥檚 ok, i鈥檒l still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Considering the fact that I鈥檓 still working in people鈥檚 homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn鈥檛 killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Tai Chi is so crazy because it鈥檚 like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Hot Hot Hot
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that鈥檚 only if you鈥檙e doing it right
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community