Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.