the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
accurate
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”