@trevso_electric: Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
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@flashember: [Enters baby room late at night] *flicks switch* [baby's got a raccoon in a headlock] "What the-" DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
@Reverend_Scott: Me: "...american cheese, toasted." Her: "What kind of cheese?" Me: "American..." Her: "Want it toasted?" Me: "I'll just make it myself."
@AbbyHasIssues: 1. Get in hammock. 2. Relax. 3. Try and get out of hammock. 4. Panic. 5. Don't fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
@NATxHAN: Me: Santa, why are women so scary? Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.