Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Name this drama.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
do u think theres a butter planet?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla