@IamEnidColeslaw: Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
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@BuffaloHomo: Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
@OnceUponALiz: If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I'll never been seen alive again.
@seamussaid: Son: can I go? Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings Son: yeah I know Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
@Brianhopecomedy: "Hi, I'd like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please." "$3.23." "Oh, and a bottle of water." "$87.54. Please drive thru."