Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Called it
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?