[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
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Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Cool shirt 🙂
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?