@StockSwaff: Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex's hometown, buy her a puppy.
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@david8hughes: You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.
@FattMernandez: I have this theory that McDonald's hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That's why they're always hiring.
@419BillE: Friend- "You're drunk." Me- *mocking voice* "You're drunk." Friend- "Stop." Me- *morphs into clone of friend* "Stop."
@djdarrellripley: Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you? Me: You bought me a ski jacket Her: Skiing is a sport!