Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
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Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius