@fizzlestothetop: "Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me." -Alcohol
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@Sirrruh: One day my kids will find a "We're Closed" sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I'll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.
@2014longview: If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.
@daveexplosm: All the guys in working out photos look like they're straining or in pain, but there's lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
@KKAlThani: Pretty cool how your dreams went from "Astronaut" or "Doctor" to "What's the lowest I can get to pass this course"