@fizzlestothetop: "Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me." -Alcohol
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@fro_vo: "Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?" "No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..." *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*
@Meet_Joe_Cool: Potty training my twins is like the Titanic's maiden voyage... In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
@HatfieldAnne: “His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
@duumb: doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure