(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.