@fizzlestothetop: "Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me." -Alcohol
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@inojperez: "It's our third date and you still wear that shirt?" Honey, this all they have in prison.
@Darlainky: Me: Want to see me do The Robot? Friend: Sure. Me: Friend: Why aren't you moving? Me: Updating software.
@MartaEffing: Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others? Me: Don't flip out, but I feel like you're asking me that to make yourself look smart.