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[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water