@OBiiieeee: girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to "constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones" they stop replying to texts
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@Schmoodles: I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.
@sarcasticmommy4: I'm at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald's employee what my change back should be.
@SomthinBoutSara: If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
@murrman5: *takes your order* *goes to kitchen* *comes back* "did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?" grilled *sighs* *goes to kitchen*