girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
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man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Every damn time
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me: