Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Has science gone too far?
new record!
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
You look like you would fail a DNA test
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT