[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
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my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.