[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
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Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
PARKOUR
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Still cracks me up
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]