The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Duck typos.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.