Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
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You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
😜
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?