@andyerikson: Give a man a baby, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
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@robotrowboat: [death row] Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests? Pardon me? I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
@bourgeoisalien: I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
@lisaOoOo: I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It's like they don't know I plan on cropping them out later.
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: Hi hun. Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.