Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
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‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!