The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
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My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
When you’ve simply given up.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.