Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked